2024-05-27 3:19 AM

Memorial Day 2024 Issue!

At Last, D.C.’s Long National Nightmare is Over

It’s no exaggeration to claim that Thursday morning’s news of Dan Snyder selling the Washington Commanders is a top five – arguably top three – moment for Washington, D.C. sports since the turn of the century.

            Other than the Capitals winning the Stanley Cup in 2018, and the Nationals winning the World Series the following year, nothing has united sports fans in the Washington metropolitan area more than our shared disdain for the morally bankrupt narcissist at the helm of the city’s once proud football franchise, which has experienced more name changes (2) than playoff wins (1) since 2000. For multiple decades, any news that came out of Landover, Maryland was usually bad news, whether it was because of the team’s controversial former name, the toxic workplace environment, the various baffling decisions made by the front office, or the uncompetitive, uninspiring play on the field – and it all started at the top. Dan Snyder was a cancer who singlehandedly sucked any enthusiasm out of what used to be one of the most passionate fanbases in the NFL, and his departure is grounds for mass celebration in the nation’s capital.

            Some of the “highlights” of Snyder’s reign of incompetence include: countless cases of meddling in roster decisions (which almost always turned out to be bad ones), moving training camp from nearby Ashburn all the way to distant Richmond, charging fans to attend said training camp, adamantly claiming for years that he would never change the old team name before caving solely because field sponsor FedEx threatened to pull funding, that field in question being prone to sewage pipe bursts and collapsing railings, the team falling to dead last in the league in attendance while often having their home games filled with more opposing fans than Washington fans, numerous players having serious injuries mishandled by the team’s medical staff, overseeing and participating in rampant sexual misconduct, interfering with the league’s investigation surrounding said misconduct, attempting to escape testifying for said investigation by fleeing to Europe on his private yacht, and blocking potential buyers from bidding on the team. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

            For the past twenty years, I think most D.C. area residents would agree that it has been next to impossible to be a fan of the Washington Whatever-Their-Name-Is-es without feeling at least a touch of guilt on the inside, due to the absolute clown show that the franchise has been. Even in those rare years when the team has won games on the field, there’s been a constant black cloud hanging over the atmosphere in Landover, because at the end of the day, the culture Snyder was responsible for building was far from “damn good,” as his longtime puppet Bruce Allen once infamously claimed. And that’s why D.C. fans should be every bit as euphoric as they were on June 7th, 2018, the night the Caps broke the city’s 27-year long championship drought. This isn’t just some moral triumph of justice over evil – it’s the end of an error. It’s a dawn of hope and optimism for a new world full of possibilities, and even if the Commanders don’t win a single game next year, we’ll all take solace in the fact that Dan Snyder can no longer hurt us.

            So long, farewell, and good riddance to a person who, in a city full of crooked politicians, has somehow managed to outdo them all as the most hated human being in Washington.

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