Local Commentary

The Little City Weed

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My good friend (pending) Mark Zuckerberg, college dropout and founder of Facebook, poked me the other day after I posted the status: “Really tired of explaining my metaphysical sense of humor to the cat using nothing but finger puppets and dry pasta.”

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My good friend (pending) Mark Zuckerberg, college dropout and founder of Facebook, poked me the other day after I posted the status: “Really tired of explaining my metaphysical sense of humor to the cat using nothing but finger puppets and dry pasta.”

“EPIC status bro! What’s the haps in the shire?”

“Hey Zuck. Crazy days. Remember The West Wing, season five, the ‘Shutdown’ episode? Lot like that.”

“Gotcha. What is going on with the election thing? Who moves elections to a date where half as many people vote and taxpayers have to pay? Telling you, all elections should happen on Facebook.”

“You mean set up a fan page and people become a fan of the candidate they like? Make it transparent, post videos, share links and have no anonymous comments? Interesting.”

“Yeah, I do not get the whole privacy of voting deal. Why does that matter anymore? People should share info. Be proud of whom they support. Everyone should be able to see who people vote for and who supports whom. Take away the power of election bosses by making the whole process happen out in the open. Encourage more people to vote in a less polarized setting. Cut costs by allowing voting in the cloud.”

“Zuckster, it’ll never happen. Too many people not online.”

“One in 14 people on the planet have a Facebook account, Mike. Seriously, all the chill people are here.”

“That is pretty scary … but voting is not just for the ‘chill people.’ Whatever that means.”

“Maybe it should be. Speaking of which, your old girlfriend has a new account. She signed up two weeks ago. Not using her maiden name; has single status. She is looking good. Just so you know …”

“Yeah, that is another thing. No disrespect, Zuck, but nobody is excited about a twenty-six year old hoody-wearing gazillionaire knowing everyone’s business.”

“Ha! You mean nobody other than my 500 million users? People are into looking up old high school flames, playing online board games, ‘friending’ people they met once at a party, and keeping in touch with things from thirty years ago. It is the human psycho psyche Mikey. People are comfortable with privacy being a configurable variable.

“You know, Mike, even the act of voting is obsolete. Facebook has enough data about you, about the people you know, the things you like, the causes you support, the games you play, the things you say, that it doesn’t take a very fancy algorithm to figure out who you really should vote for. Facebook could get a hundred percent turnout, with more accuracy and efficiency, by casting ballots on behalf of people. Eliminate campaigns, all the wasted money, and idiotic partisan noise, by applying a Facebook election formula.”

“Zuck, casting my vote based on the fact I fanned ‘My Sister Said If I Get One Million Fans She Will Name Her Baby Megatron’ would lead to a ridiculous result.”

“Mike, seriously, it could not be worse than choosing eight representatives based on 24-percent turnout.”

 


Michael Gardner is a quixotic citizen and founder of the Blueweeds community blog.