Sports

Picking Splinters: Disaster Lurks for Static Redskins

Mike, I’m worried for my fellow coach. Are the Redskins handling the Jim Zorn situation correctly?

Joe G.

So glad I’m not still in Landover

Seriously? Are the Redskins handling this situation correctly? Jaws handled Quint with more care than the Redskins have given Zorn.

In fact, I can’t even call it a “situation” anymore. A “situation” is what my fiancée calls it when I forget to do the dishes the night before. The ‘Skins predicament is more in the “leaving the toilet seat up” realm of misdeeds. This is a debacle.

Let’s start with this simple question to Zorn, borrowed from the Bobs, efficiency consultants from cinematic masterpiece “Office Space.”

“Jim, what would you say … [dramatic pause] … you do here?”

I mean, really, why is this guy still here? Owner Dan Snyder and his proxy Vinny Cerrato, stripped him of play-calling duties, giving that responsibility to a man who was calling bingo games (seriously) a month ago. But then Cerrato gave Zorn a vote of confidence by saying he’ll hopefully coach the team into the future. What kind of dark, God-forsaken future do you see, Vinny? Because if this keeps up, the upcoming apocalyptic film “2012” paints a more enticing future. Monday night, your center fumbled the ball off his own ass trying to snap the ball in the shotgun. Can you imagine what happens next?

No one outside of this team has any faith things will improve without a massive overhaul. Legendary Redskins running back John Riggins denounced this whole operation in a recent (and hysterical) YouTube video. This ship is captain-less, rudderless and taking on water fast. The Titanic had a better chance of reaching safe harbor.

The team should do Zorn a favor and dispatch him while he still has a shred of dignity, but that’s just the start. This franchise needs to go back to the drawing board and, to mix metaphors, it needs a better architect. Maybe if you jump overboard now, Vinny, you can pull a Hooper and hide below the surface until this disaster passes.

Hume, the Caps’ start has been a bit of a mixed bag. They sit atop the Southeast Division with 16 points, but they’ve yet to take the look of a dominant team, recently struggling against the New York Islanders. Does this team have what it takes to capture the Cup?

Peter B.

The 19th hole

Bonzai, er, Peter, the most encouraging sign, by far, has to be the play of Jose Theodore. Coming off his postseason heroics, it was though Semyon Varlamov would cover the Caps’ crease this season, but his play has been spotty and, well, typical of a young goalie. Theodore battled from the start of training camp, all while dealing the tragic death of his infant son.

Last season, Theo started poorly and never got on track. This year, he’s sporting a save percentage over .920 and turned aside 41 of 43 shots against the Flyers Tuesday night. The year is still young, but so far he looks very strong and quite capable of backstopping this team to the Stanley Cup.

Michael, the Wizards are off and running. With the moves they made this offseason, are you excited for the coming season?

Abe P.

The cake aisle, Costco

No, Abe, I’m not excited. You know why? Because the outcome of every NBA season is predictable. Heck, it’s practically pre-determined. Modern-day disciples of Calvinism use NBA game film to prove their point. Five teams have a shot at the title this year. None of them are the Wizards. Why? Because Washington doesn’t have LeBron James. It doesn’t have Dwight Howard. The players on the Wizards aren’t as good as those on the Cavaliers or Magic, nor are they as healthy. Check back with me at the All-Star break and I’ll re-evaluate things. But right now, I’m about as giddy for the NBA season as I am for a rerun of “Jeopardy.” I know how it’s going to end and I know I’m going to waste my time by watching.