Too Young to Know

When I was a pre-teen, I first encountered rumors of what puberty would bring, physically and mentally, and for the first time really heard and learned “gay, lesbian, and bisexual” as actual terms. I quickly realized I was gay, finally able to identify the part of myself that was so fundamentally different from the other boys.

When I was 13 or 14 years old, I remember a minivan ride with my mother, where I floated the story of “another” student that had recently come out as bisexual. I remember her quickly saying something along the lines of “they’re too young to know their sexuality.” I vividly remember determining from that conversation that we weren’t ready to discuss my newfound identity.

I kept my sexuality a secret for a couple years, then in the eighth grade decided I needed to confide in a friend. Like many in my generation, I told my friend that I was bisexual — thinking being bi would be more acceptable than being gay, but still at least included that I was attracted to men — which may sound silly, but made perfect sense at the time (the social climate of kids towards homosexuality at that time was pretty universally hostile, whether through teasing or aggression). That person, as teenagers do when provided with a juicy bit of gossip, told several other friends — and it became the “worst-kept secret” at school — though by then I’d finally settled at Woodson H.S. in Fairfax, where homosexuality was still taboo, but far less hostile than all the other schools I’d attended.

I didn’t tell my parents. I was pretty certain they were at least somewhat aware, and figured they’d ultimately still love me, but I didn’t want to go through whatever coming out to them entailed, having heard stories about parents disowning their gay children, trying to convert them, or antagonizing them. Ultimately, when I came back from college for the holidays, my parents finally asked me — and quickly said “we know, and we don’t care.” It turned out that they had gone to their first PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays) meeting around the time of that minivan ride years ago. PFLAG told them, essentially, to let me decide when to come out. I still think that ripping the band-aid off would have saved a lot of heartache, but PFLAG was likely used to dealing with a much less accepting set of parents than my own.

They Don’t Just Know. They Just Are.

I’ve seen a lot of folks who are generally LGBTQ+ accepting, or like to think they are, reacting to Trans youth in a similar way to that first conversation I had with my mother (who was, to be fair, caught off-guard, driving on Rolling Rd. to McDonald’s, without time to analyze her response). They say “They’re too young to know.”

“They’re too young to know” is a bargaining tool used to delay the conversation. “They’re too young to know” indicates hope that a kid may still turn out “normal.”

The paths of each LGBTQ+ person toward self-identification are unique, and it is unwise to assume too many parallels — family, community, friends, neighbors, media, religion, just about every conversation they have about sex or gender, their own personalities, and even their physiologies all contribute in part to the time and manner in which a queer person comes out — but as society has become more accepting, more data has been gathered, so there are some things we do know.

In October 2019 PNAS (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences), a peer-reviewed scientific journal, published the largest study of Trans children (at the time) — 317 Trans children (ages 3-12), 189 cisgender siblings, and 316 unrelated cisgender children were included in the study. The trans kids had all “socially” transitioned — living as the gender they identify with. The study can be found at bit.ly/Transstudy (case-sensitive).

This study found that, by their third birthdays, nearly all cisgender children label their gender according to their assigned sex. Strong preference for same-gender playmates, gender-typed clothing, and other stereotypical preferences and behaviors are also seen by age three. By five years old, most believe their gender will remain the same in adulthood. For the Trans children, strong alignment with their gender identify (not their birth sex) was observed across all the same measures.

The findings suggest that “early sex assignment and parental rearing based on that sex assignment do not always define how a child identifies or expresses gender later” — that preventing a child from socially transitioning doesn’t change whether they are Trans, nor does allowing them to use pronouns, wear clothes, participate in sports, or use bathrooms according to their gender identity.

What does differ, as shown by the Trevor Project and other groups, are the mental health outcomes based on whether the Trans child is allowed to socially transition. Suicide attempts increased 75 percent for Trans youth whose pronouns were not respected at home, 40 percent for Trans youth who had no gender-neutral bathrooms at school, and 82 percent for Trans youth who were unable to wear gender-affirming clothing (including chest binders and shapewear).

When a child tells you who they are, believe them and respect them as-is. They will end up however they are regardless of your reaction, but they (and you) will be much better off when their identities are validated. Trans youth deserve to live as-is in a safe and loving environment, whether at home, at school, or out in public.