Welcome readers. I have a prepared statement.

Welcome readers. I have a prepared statement.

Let me first convey my gratitude to retiring Virginia State Senator Mary Margaret Whipple, who has been a personal friend, a party stalwart, and a remarkable public servant for the good people of Virginia.

Her husband Tom is also nice enough, but he gets a lot more readers than me, so I would like to hint coyly at an imaginary coolness in our literary relationship. Plus everyone knows spouses of public officials should not be seen, heard, or read. If they are, every whimsy of the nonpolitical partner should be used to bludgeon the political partner – particularly if the political partner is one of those female types whom so many of us assume are incapable of independent thought.*

(* This last part is a joke, dear, which you will remember we pre-discussed and agreed was okay to include to sustain interest in what is already becoming a somewhat rambling column. I love you. – Your Mad Mikey Bear)

Next, I would like to confirm the rumor I am the one eligible Democratic in the 31st District who does not intend to run to succeed Mary Margaret. The caveat to my carefully crafted positive denial of specific intent is, if Virginia Republicans see fit to redraw the district next month in such a way it contains only me, David Snyder, and five random citizens, I will run against Snyder.  I would run to scratch a longtime political retribution itch and also to prove a narrow point of history regarding President Lincoln about which Snyder and I vehemently disagree.

The embarrassing caveat notwithstanding, The Weed is not interested in being your public servant. In my dotage I find myself being the rare liberal despot who eschews dog parks and finds actual conversation with voters akin to the annoyances associated with recycling. As a public commentator and political activist in our community for more than a decade, my version of reality is that, not you precious readers, but pretty much all of your neighbors, are in dire need of an assortment of be-happy-and-relaxed pills. My political instincts are to medicate the populace, declare marshal law, bulldoze public parks, and encourage the growth of landfills as a basic economic strategy. Pretty much I am only electable in Manassas City and the Garden State of New Jersey.

As we go to press, the following names (seriously) are being publicly floated to run for the seat held by Mary Margaret:  Bob Brink. Patrick Hope. Barabara Favolva. Ben Tribbett. Mike Signer. Jay Fisette. Patrick Riccards. Peter Rousselot. Chris Zimmerman. Alan Howze. Walter Tejada. This list is subject to sudden change, mostly due to the fact the district boundaries will be redrawn in April 2011. Once we know where the actual district will be located, there will be a (very) brief period where people will be allowed to move, a filing period, and then a panicky primary in August.

I know what you are thinking. Yes, you can still write-in The Weed.

Michael Gardner is a quixotic citizen and founder of the Blueweeds community blog.