If you are like me, or if you happen to be a member of a terrorist organization, you have been mesmerized by the growing controversy over new homeland security rules which require air travelers to submit to a nude photo being taken or, alternatively, to allow guards to gently fondle their groin, twice, as a condition of being allowed on a plane.

If you are like me, or if you happen to be a member of a terrorist organization, you have been mesmerized by the growing controversy over new homeland security rules which require air travelers to submit to a nude photo being taken or, alternatively, to allow guards to gently fondle their groin, twice, as a condition of being allowed on a plane.

Since the whole country has gone into a strange overshare place, you will excuse me for expressing a preference for the picture option. Mild voyeurism still seems harmless enough; while frottaging at airports feels like too dramatic an escalation just to go to Milwaukee. Plus, there is something calming about pouting your lips and humming the Welcome Back Kotter theme song knowing some anonymous official in a remote location is being forced to look at you naked. The exact scenario has apparently been on my bucket list for all these years without me ever realizing. Yeah, sure, terrorists win and all … but not a total personal loss.

The interwebs have been busy capturing the human stories.

The young hunter named Tyner on his way to Wyoming who politely acquiesced to all security instructions, right up to where the agent said he was going to rub his groin a couple of times before letting him on the plane, at which point Tyner uttered the now iconic security-resistor motto: “You touch my junk and I’m going to have you arrested.” Tyner was not allowed to fly and is now being threatened with a fine of $11,000 for not completing the security procedure.

Good luck, Citizen Tyner, and thanks for being a contestant here on America: Love It or Leave It.

There was also the attractive girl “randomly selected” for security grindage in Ft. Lauderdale who really did not want to have her privates squeezed. There were tears and then a swarm of guards, some I believe coming from as far away as Jacksonville, all surrounding her and wagging fingers. She complained and the government went on the offensive – posting the security video and publicly mocking her.

I mean, seriously, if some random cute girl cannot cry and make poor life decisions at the Ft. Lauderdale airport, is nothing still sacred in America? To me, if you just add a Duran Duran soundtrack the incident would qualify as a documentary on America as I Remember It in the 1980s.

It has also occurred to me, usually in a security line doing last minute mental calculations on the liquid volume of gel caps, that maybe homeland security might have me on some special let-him-fly-but-make-him- miserable list.

The country of Canada thinks I am a fugitive because I once accidently got on a different flight than I had booked. I also boarded a cross country flight with no identification – but had to talk with a nice FBI agent who seemed to know a lot about me.

Whatever America. Do what you will. Just keep us amused and try to get our good side.

Michael Gardner is a quixotic citizen and founder of the Blueweeds community blog.