Sports

Picking Splinters: Meet the Fantasy Press

The following is a transcript obtained from a press conference given by Mike Hume, the owner of the woebegone Bookoo Barbarians, members of the 14-team Falls Church News-Press Fantasy Football League. This transcript is rated ‘R’ due to unprovoked attacks by the fantasy press and the sheer horror of the Barbarians’ season.

Mike Hume, Owner, Bookoo Barbarians: Good morning and thank you all for coming. As some of you know, my fantasy football team is concluding its season with the dubious honor by battling for the Toilet Bowl, the fantasy matchup assigned to the two worst teams in the Falls Church News-Press Fantasy Football League. This is now the second straight season we’ll be participating in the Toilet Bowl and our third straight year missing the playoffs. As owner, I find our situation unacceptable. I’m embarrassed for our players. I’m embarrassed for our fans. I’m embarrassed for the pets of our fans who may have inadvertently caught a glimpse of a Barbarians’ box score and thought, deep inside its pet brain, “Dear pet gods, what is this horror before mine eyes?” before cowering beneath its owner’s couch.

I’d like to accept responsibility for this season and try to explain where I went wrong so other owners might avoid my mistakes. Questions? Yes, Chris Berman.

Berman: Yeah, I’ve got a question. What am I, and the entire cast of “NFL Countdown,” doing here?

Tom Jackson: Good question, Boom.

Hume: As this is a fantasy football press conference, we’ve credentialed a panel of intriguing names and journalists to make this as colorful as possible. Yes, in the back, near the phone booth.

Keanu Reeves: Is this the Matrix?

Hume: No, this is not the Matrix. It’s fantasy, which is why you and the other guy from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” are here representing the USA Today.

Reeves: Most righteous [wild air guitar movements].

Matt Forte: Is this season all my fault?

Hume: No, Matt, it’s mine. By selecting you and passing on Michael Turner I gave into the hype from preseason fantasy publications instead of going with my gut. That was mistake number one.

Second, even after I packaged you in a deal for Adrian Peterson, I ignored the value found in selecting players based on defensive matchups. Sure, Forte played the Lions twice this year, but the NFC North was brutal on RBs this year. The AFC South was where the real action was.

There’s no time like the present to change though. To shake things up for the Toilet Bowl, I’ve decided to institute a play-calling system similar to that of the Washington Redskins, whereby a gentleman from a local church Yahtzee club will signal the plays directly to Barbarians’ QB Matt Schaub while our former coordinator is cut out of the loop and placed onto a receding ice drift alongside Jim Zorn.

Gandhi: Don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?

Hume: No, Gandhi, it’s not too harsh. The Barbarians show now mercy for failure. In that way, we are much like the Cobra Kai.

Sen. George Mitchell: We’re hearing reports that your sponsor’s product, Bookoo, is being investigated as a performance-enhancing substance. Care to comment?

Hume: The side of every Bookoo can contains a warning about consuming more than two servings in a sitting. The can is three servings big. That’s true, and that could explain the performance spikes by certain players like Brandon Marshall and Roy Williams. I would have killed for some consistency this season, but I never knew what I was going to get from a player. I rolled the dice looking for big days instead of solid output. I think the latter is a better option for fantasy success. Yes, other dude from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” do you have a question?

Other dude from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”: What are your plans for the team from here out?

Hume: In the immediate future, we’re planning on combining with Matt Forte’s current owners for a voodoo doll giveaway prior to the Toilet Bowl. Aside from that, there’s not much you can do except learn our lessons and try again next year.