Picking Splinters: The 2005 'Arbies'

By Mike Hume

There are two things that are all too pervasive in the sports world these days — corporate sponsorships and year-ending superlative columns by sports columnists who have this week off.

Yes, I realize criticizing the latter practice after matching sports teams and figures with popular Christmas songs in last week’s column could be seen as an instance of the pot calling the kettle black. But this week, as I do not have off, I figured I’d take on an epic challenge. I’ll be the pot AND the kettle.

Thus, I’m melding both the worlds of sponsorship (in this case fictional) and year-end awards to give you The Arbitraries, or Arbies for short. Sponsored, naturally (though not really) by Arby’s.

First up, we have the Crystal Pepsi Award for Illegitimate and Short-Lived Hype. And the winner is the entire Atlantic Coast Conference. This alleged football superpower was supposed to produce several national title contenders anchored by Florida State and newcomer Miami. The fact that the 8-4 Seminoles are even in a BCS game not only shows how flawed the collegiate postseason is, but how inconceivably bad the ACC’s football programs were this year. Runner-up honors go to the Oklahoma football team for its performance in last year’s national title game ... if you can even call it a game.

The Echinacea Winning Cures Everything Award goes to Ozzie Guillen, who wiped away all traces of his ethnic slur-laden rant against Magglio Ordonez by winning the World Series. The media loves this guy. They say he’s quirky. They say he’s a genius. Does no one remember when he called Magglio Ordonez a “Venezuelan [bleep]” and expounded by saying “He knows I can [bleep] him in a lot of different ways. He better shut the [bleep] up and play for the Detroit Tigers.” Yes, Guillen managed a heck of a series, but after statements like those, does anyone really want to stand in his way?

Next up is the Craig Esherick Award for Ridiculous Neckware, brought to you by the Upholstery Warehouse. I came up with this one while covering the Georgetown men’s basketball team. This award goes to someone whose ties are so heinous that you can’t concentrate on anything they are doing or saying because the tie is so god awful. This year the honor goes to ESPN college hoops analyst Digger Phelps. The man matches his ties to the color of his highlighters. ’Nuff said.

Another honor from the clothing category goes to ESPN’s Michael Irvin of NFL Countdown fame. Some people, such as the award’s namesake, might mistake the suits Irvin wears as stylish. However, last week’s all-red ensemble looked as though Irvin had skinned Santa Claus. Why, Michael? Why do that to the kids at Christmas? Thus, Irvin receives the Spirit of Liberace Award, sponsored by the Eye Dog Foundation for the Blind.

The ACME Disappearing Ink Here Today, Gone Tomorrow Award clearly goes to Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro. Palmeiro’s shoe-in bid for the Hall of Fame has been all-but snuffed out by the revelation of his steroid use. With 3,000 hits and 500 home runs, Palmeiro was in some rare company. Now, company could just be rare, after being sent home by the O’s last season. Maybe he can bid on the next Jose Canseco Backyard Parole Board Barbecue.

Honorable mention in this category goes to tainted track star Tim Montgomery, who actually did have his records wiped off the books following his drug test failures.

The It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Award, sponsored by Captain Morgan Rum, goes to agent Drew Rosenhaus. “Listen, Terrell, bubby, if you act like a brat and drag your butt around the club house, the Eagles will give you a new contract, no problem.”

“Hmm, an interesting hypothesis, Drew. However, are you at all concerned that I will be violating a signed agreement to play with their franchise for an already-egregious sum of money and, as a result, might be left without a team or enough loot to pay for a 100-percent Bling coat?”

“Next question.”

My Rogaine Comeback of the Year Award goes to the entire NHL. There was some dispute among the judges on this one, as several never realized the NHL was gone.

The Greatest Franchise Ever Award goes to the New York Yankees. This award was sponsored by the New York Yankees.

Speaking of the Yanks, the Man, I Really Want to Be a Yankee Award, this year sponsored by Kay Jewelers, goes to washed up closer Jeff Reardon, who was recently arrested for the armed robbery of a jewelry store. Some people are just desperate to wear pinstripes. How ludicrous is this though? The man held baseball’s all-time saves record, though he has since been passed. That figures. A guy who has to knock off a jewelry store can’t be all that good at saving.

Last but not least, as the Arbies celebrate the mingling of corporate sponsorships and the sports world, the Irony Award goes to the Coors Light Love Train, bringing love and lager to football fans all season long, despite the infamy of another romance-laden, NFL-linked vehicle — namely the Minnesota Viking’s Love Boat. The Irony Award is sponsored by English majors everywhere.