Helen Thomas

Laughter Good for All

WASHINGTON -- There is not much to laugh about in Washington these days. Social Security, bankruptcy, tax reform and war are no joke.

But every once in a while, Washington big wigs gather at traditional press dinners to roast the press and politicians.

The oldest among these annual soirees is the 120-year-old white-tie Gridiron Club dinner where neither political party is spared from pointed one-liners -- all in good fun, of course.

Richard Ryan, senior Washington correspondent for The Detroit News and Gridiron president this year, kicked off the Saturday evening gathering with a series of quips aimed at both sides of the aisle. President Bush and most of his new Cabinet were avid listeners and sometimes appeared to enjoy the barbs, particularly when they were aimed at Democrats.

With a swipe at Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., last year’s defeated Democratic presidential candidate, Ryan said: “Last year, Democrats were determined to select a presidential candidate without the distracting charisma of Al Gore. That’s one goal they met.”

“Look at the choice the voters had in 2004. One candidate had second thoughts about everything. The other one didn’t,” Ryan said.

Ryan did not let Republicans off the hook, either. “The current (ethics) investigation of (Rep.)Tom Delay, R-Texas, may prove the old adage,” Ryan deadpanned, that “Congress is the one institution in which laws are made and broken by the same people.”

Two members of Congress prominently mentioned as possible presidential candidates in 2008 also spoke at the dinner.

Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico spoke for the Democrats and referred to the controversial selection of former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Richardson said Dean “was the unanimous choice of the Democratic National Committee. He was also the unanimous choice of the Republican National Committee.”

“I do think we have a new season of bipartisanship,” Richardson said. “Just look at the blossoming relationship between former Presidents Bush and Clinton,” said Richardson . “It’s nice to see them working together. However, it’s also a sad commentary on your Social Security plan, Mr. President. Even your dad can’t retire.”

Speaking for the Republicans, Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska took note of his counterpart, saying that Richardson had confided in him that “because of his name, some people don’t believe he’s Hispanic.”

Hagel quipped: “That’s nothing -- no one in the White House believes I’m a Republican.”

Hagel told the crowd that he was not running for president. “But if I were, things would be different.”

In a Hagel presidency, he said “the 10 Commandments will not go up on the courthouse wall. Just the three or 4 easy ones.”

Furthermore, he said “in a Hagel presidency, we will crack down on all illegal immigration -- unless the Nationals ( Washington ’s new baseball team) have a tip on a really great Cuban pitcher.”

As always the president gets the last laugh. Bush said he wanted to wish Clinton all the best in his recovery from heart surgery.

“When he woke up he was surrounded by his loved ones -- Hillary, Chelsea and my dad.”

He said he was sorry Lawrence Summers, president of Harvard University , could not be there. Bush added that Summers -- who has outraged women by questioning their skills in the sciences -- was “at the Madam Curie Awards Banquet.”

“I had hoped Ari Fleischer might be here tonight,”

Bush said. “Ari has a new book out about his years as my press secretary. You might want to check it out. It’s called ‘Witness to Genius.’ Course, Karl (Rove) thought it was about him.”

The president said the news conference question “that really stumped me was the one about my mistakes. Actually, I was lying in bed awake just the other night thinking, ‘Lord, what mistakes have I made? when a voice says to me, ‘George, this is going to take more than one night.’”

The Washington Post reported Monday that research at the University of Maryland School of Medicine claims “a good laugh may actually help fend off heart attacks and strokes.”

Helen Thomas can be reached at (202) 263-6400 or emailed here

Copyright 2005 Hearst Newspapers