Splinters: My Christmas Wish List
By Mike Hume
Dear Santa,
Please find below my Christmas wish list. I know it’s a lot, but most of it isn’t for me (directly anyway), so I figure that’s got to count for something.
First, please give Bill Simmons something to talk about besides Boston, the Clippers and Lindsay Lohan’s boobs. I respect his passion and I love his humor, but it’s pretty bad that I can predict his column every week.
Speaking of Simmons, please give the personalities on Fox’s football pre-game show a sense of humor. It’s pretty sad that when Simmons (correctly) lampoons those nitwits for a rampant case of the giggles their only response is to have Terry Bradshaw threaten to beat him up. Very mature. Of course when their conduct on their show falls somewhere between an episode of Captain Kangaroo and Romper Room, maybe I should be so surprised. Learn how to take some criticism fellas … and a joke.
Please give an Emmy to the makers of the Red Sox Mastercard skit on Comedy Central. Brilliant. And so true. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out here: webpages.charter.net/jbuszkie/redsox.wmv.
I wish the front of every Red Sox hat purchased after Oct. 27, 2004 would dissolve after the first rain this spring, revealing the word “Poser” in the traditional Red Sox font.
This talk about false fronts reminds me to ask for you to please give Pedro Martinez’s Mini-Me the ability to speak for his larger counterpart. Maybe then Pedro can stop shamelessly lying about the negotiations between the Red Sox and the Mets. Between him and Kobe Bryant I just can’t take this whining diva thing anymore.
And given the ridiculous amounts of money marginal pitchers are raking in this off-season ($21 million over three years for Kris Benson?), it’s clear that you need to give Major League Baseball a salary cap.
Realizing that gift will likely require several years’ worth of presents, including a soul, to Players Union rep Donald Fehr, in the meantime, please give the Yankees Carlos Beltran and Randy Johnson so I don’t have to endure another October like this one. And hey, if you come through on this one, I’m willing to bet George Steinbrenner will compensate you appropriately. Though you may have to endure his blubbering after they give him the World Series trophy again.
And as we look to the future of the Yankees, let’s not forget one of those less fortunate souls that are getting ushered out the door … even if he is a deranged hack/choke-artist like Kevin Brown. For him I’d like to request a white padded room to provide somewhat safer environment for his temper tantrums. And you should probably make it flame retardant just incase he tries to set himself on fire again like he did in Baltimore. Actually, you better make that two padded rooms, just to be safe.
And I know you don’t really dabble in physical improvements at all, but if you could give Alex Rodriguez some better circulation to his lips, it would probably be better for everyone.
Since I’m still in debt to Grady Little for leaving Pedro in Game 7 of the ALCS in 2003, please give him a satellite communication set so that he can better tune in the Martians that advise him on his pitching moves.
And while we’re on the topic of gifts to coaches, can you please give Joe Gibbs one of those Austin Powers-type tapes that can bring him up to speed on life in the new millennium in the NFL. Now that mankind has invented the wireless internet and the wheel since Gibbs’ retirement, it’s time to clue him in on some new offensive schemes. Actually, while you’re at it, maybe you can toss me some Kevlar and one of those bullet-proof plastic shields to deflect the rage of all Gibss’ D.C.-area supporters.
It would be great if you could give the Georgetown men’s basketball team a Top 25 recruit with the brains to run the Princeton Offense. Or you could just give Coach John Thompson III a brain-washing device so he can make All-American athlete Greg Paulus reconsider his decision to go to Duke and follow in the footsteps of his three brothers by heading to the Hilltop.
Given the Hoyas’ recent loss to Oral Roberts, you better make sure it’s a really, really powerful brain-washing device.
I’d also like to ask you for the Wizard of Oz Gift Pack of a brain, a heart and some courage for NHL player’s representative Bob Goodenow, NHL President Gary Bettman and the players. Maybe if Goodenow can finally comprehend the financial realities of the beleaguered league, Bettman can show a little compassion and the players get the intestinal fortitude to pressure Goodenow to accept an even marginally rational stance on the salary cap, this season can be saved.
Finally, concerning baseball in D.C., now that the deal has finally been resolved, please give the opponents of the deal a clue, so they can realize that the deal is not a terrible one for the city.
Even before the agreement to allow some private financing, the stadium was going to be funded by the wealthiest businesses in D.C. and those who attended games. Meanwhile, everyone benefits from the rejuvenation of a dismal part of the city. This is a Democrat’s dream.
Regardless of what Adrian Fenty and those other knuckleheads on the council think, this will be a great deal for the District and one that will benefit the city for years to come.
Of course Santa, it’ll be a big help if you can give the Nationals a team owner who’s willing to invest in the team and spend money on free agents so they can be competitive in the National League.
Last but not least, I wish for a wonderful holiday and New Year to all of our readers and their friends and families.
Mike Hume may be emailed at mhume@fcnp.com |
