Michael Hoover

I've been bemused by many of the editorials in various newspapers across the country on each day following the three presidential debates. Many newspapers have criticized both candidates for their obfuscation and their inability or refusal to answer key questions directly. These papers also criticized Bush and Kerry for ducking crucial issues like, for example, what to do about Social Security and its supposed impending demise unless serious changes are instituted. The newspapers smugly sound like they are oblivious to the fact that Social Security is the third rail of American politics and that any candidate who touches the topic in an honest way would be electrocuted at the ballot box office. The powerful gray vote would be the first to pull the switch. Many newspapers seem to pretend that if only a candidate had the chutzpah to level with the American people about such a crucial issue as the need to implement necessary reforms to preserve Social Security, then these brave candidates would rise above the fray and go down in history as heroic. Yeh, right. Heroic losers are what they'd go down as. Does anyone recall what happened to the last presidential candidate who naively thought that he would garner votes by admitting that he would raise taxes? Annihilation is what happened.

Usually the editorials say something like this: "The president (or the challenger) squandered a great opportunity to be genuinely presidential by refusing to confront the problems facing (fill in the blank: Social Security, Medicare, school funding, etc.) and leveling with the American people." As if the American people really want to be leveled with. In my most idealistic frame of mind, I wish that

Americans really did value honest answers because if they did then John McCain and I might have a fighting chance.

With the above as preface, it's now time to reveal that I have a rich, though secret, fantasy life. While I'm driving to and from work each day, I often fantasize in order to fight the boredom. Walter Mitty like, I imagine myself in absurd positions of power and ponder the decisions I would make if I wielded the stick. For example, I fantasize about which decisions I would make if I were in charge of the Redskins. In my daydreams, all of the crazy decisions made by owner Daniel Snyder that have been so awful over the past few years would not have been made by me. The one fantasy decision that I would be a party to would be the hiring of coach Joe Gibbs. In my fantasy world the difference would be that I would have provided John Riggins with a green-colored, football-shaped, Viagra-like pill to go along with Gibbs's hiring. Then we wouldn't be 2-4.

Sometimes I ratchet up the fantasy and ponder what I would do and say if I were running for president of the United States. In this imaginary scenario, I envision myself as the candidate of the "Straight-Shooters' Party," which would pride itself on always telling the voters the truth, regardless of truth's consequences, and deludes itself into believing that the voters actually care about the truth. In this fantasy I imagine myself slowly but surely winning over the voters at a pace of some half-million a day. These voters would all say to themselves, "We may not agree with everything that candidate Hoover says, but we're voting for him because we respect the fact that he levels with us."

My platform would include such honest and straightforward planks as these: 1. "Social Security is one of America's most successful social experiments ever, but to maintain it for future generations, we'll have to slightly increase the age of retirement and we'll have to place a serious limit on the income that Social Security recipients can earn if they want to receive their monthly checks."

2. "I will make genuine education reform a priority, but to do so effectively will cost a lot of money and therefore, if necessary, I will raise your taxes to take care of this crucial investment in America's future. Investing heavily now will save future generations in the long run."

3. "While I will not endeavor to take high-powered hunting rifles out of the hands of well-meaning and high-minded deer and squirrel hunters, I will fight the NRA to the death to pass an impenetrable assault weapons ban. In the process, I will try to make reasonable Americans understand what the second amendment actually means."

4. "In order to help free ourselves from our dependency on foreign oil and the consequent damnable entanglements, I will significantly increase taxes on the gasoline we all put into our cars and will provide significant tax breaks to those who purchase hybrid vehicles and to those who junk their gas-guzzling, 4,000-pound SUV's."

5. "Pundits say that the idea of an all-inclusive military draft is the new third rail of politics, but I pledge that if our military becomes overextended, then we will implement a "no-deferment" draft that covers everyone, not to increase the possibility of pre-emptive wars, but to decrease it."

My platform would go on to include points six through 10, and maybe even 11 through 20, but I think you get my drift. But I ask you, American voters, how would my "Straight-Shooters Party" do at the polls come election day once I have leveled with all of you?