Parking Tickets, Pam's, Tight Pants and Ira

After traveling 1700 miles in four days to four different major league stadiums in three states and one province…I’m tired. Very tired. However, I am also older, wiser and one Pittsburgh parking ticket poorer than I was when I left. Here are some observations from my road trip through the Northeastern-Mid-Westish part of the U.S. and Toronto.

Pittsburgh Baseball Observations: The Pittsburgh parking ticket might actually get paid since PNC Ballpark is by far the most gorgeous stadium I have ever visited. Everything from the amazing sightlines from virtually every seat in the house, to the open-air concourse behind the outfield bleachers to the series of nice restaurants built into the stadium’s exterior left field wall, this place is mind-blowing. It’s so open, so convenient. Unlike Yankee stadium, with plenty of parking, some of it across the Allegheny-spanning Roberto Clemente bridge, getting to and from the stadium is a breeze and you don’t have to get your windshield washed three times before getting back on the highway. And apparently there are plans to open a Metro stop next to the ball park as well.

Every seat is right in the action as well. My traveling companions, Matt and Brendan Burke, Dan Chang and I sat in the left field bleachers in the fourth row, and save for the very few instances when I’ve lucked into front-row seats at Yankee Stadium, I’ve never been closer to the action. Every inning the Pirates’ Jason Bay would toss a ball into the stands around us and Barry Bonds was well within earshot. That made for some interesting razzing from the crowd. Most of the heckling centered on his involvement with BALCO, but the best taunt of the night had to be “Barry Bonds doesn’t like the TV show Full House!” I’m really not sure what that has to do with anything, but it’s pretty funny nonetheless.

Non-Baseball Observation: If you’re ever staying in Pitt near Squirrel Hill you ought to be contractually obligated to eat breakfast at Pamela’s, a little diner-that-isn’t restaurant that serves the best heart-attack-on-a-plate special known to man: Pancakes stuffed with bananas, chocolate chips and whipped cream. You should also remember to put money in the parking meter before eating. That helps.

Toronto Baseball Observations: Get it out. No one cares about this team, not even the management. Things have gotten so bad they had to resort to “Latin Night” the night we visited. Latin night. In Canada. Granted Toronto is very diverse, but I mean really, eh? The attendance for the Jays-O’s game we saw was listed at 21,234, but they really must have been counting passersby on the sidewalk to reach that figure.

And speaking of low attendance, here’s a tip to Skydome management and for that matter MCI Center as well. When no one is coming to your games, you’d probably do well to not persecute the customers that you do have. We had tickets for the fourth row (four really seems to be a recurring number on this trip. I wonder what Dan Brown would think of that?) down the right field line. When we sat down, no one was occupying the first row across the aisle from us. Eventually when two kids who actually had our seats came down, sat in two different seats in the front row, and actually told the usher that they didn’t care, the usher asked to see our tickets and booted us a whole three rows and three feet back. Apparently, despite the attendance figure being smaller than Guam’s Olympic medal count, and despite no one caring that we sat there, we had to move because through some crazy trick of the metric system, the seats we were in cost $14 more than the seats we bought. Granted it was $14 Canadian, but maybe this is the reason they’re not selling more tickets here; they charge 50% more for a ticket that’s 1% closer to the field. Way to go, ya hosers.

Skydome itself was fairly unremarkable. The turf is turf. The stadium is a cookie-cutter stadium built after the era of cookie cutter stadiums. The retractable dome is cool, but when that alone is the most noteworthy part of your stadium…check that…the most noteworthy part of your franchise, you have problems.

Non-Baseball Observation: Canadian women dig guys named Ira. Don’t ask why. But if you’re ever in the Loose Moose Bar on Front St. and you don’t feel like using your real name, go with Ira. Trust me.

Cleveland Baseball Observations: Thank God the Indians are in the pennant race and I really hope they win. These are some of the best fans I’ve ever seen and also one of the most fun teams I’ve ever seen. Throw in one of the best stadiums I’ve ever seen and you get a memorable experience indeed. The Indians are young and fighting extremely hard for the A.L. Central crown and their fans are right there the entire way. We lucked out by getting tickets for $7 to a sold-out game (granted Neil Armstrong probably had a better view of Cleveland in 1969) against the first-place Twins. Great game, the Indians romped and the fans ate it up.

Also, every team should have a guy playing the war drum out in the left field bleachers. Not even a two-and-a-half inning wait in the line at the refreshment stand that ran out of, in no particular order: hot dogs, nachos, lemonade, soda, quarters, popcorn, brats, singles and last but not least common sense. One brainiac received $40 for a $21 purchase and told the customers, “I can’t give you change because we’re out of it.” Now, call me crazy but there are roughly 70-80 other concession stands in the place. I bet, just maybe, they’ll have some money. Why don’t you get on that one for us, Sherlock.

Non-Baseball Observation: Cleveland police officers wear ridiculously tight pants. No, really they do.

Cincinnati Baseball Observations: Please give this city some better pitching. They really don’t need much to convince the fans they’re in it (There are radio spots advertising tickets for the “Super Bowl Bound Bengals” after last year’s 8-8 finish.), but please give them something, they deserve better than John Riedling. Despite the awful pitching performance in the game we saw, the park is beautiful, 1,000 times better than Riverfront/Cinergy and we lucked into the best promotion ever: Run the Bases Day. Genius. How many times can you actually run on the field and not get put in a headlock, slammed to the ground and fined heavily … though you do get those cool matching silver bracelets.

Non-Baseball Observations: Coneys are the best invention ever, followed closely by stuffed pancakes. For the unenlightened, Coneys are mini-chili dogs served with Cincinnati chili and a K2-size mountain of cheese. If a trip comprised of exhaustive driving, and a diet with more grease than the Exxon Valdez hasn’t killed me, I see that as God’s sign telling me to do it again.